Starting Recovery
CW: This post includes discussion of eating disorders.
“I look forward to the day that I know how to piece the moments of this war into a story that someone like me can take comfort in as they pick up weapons themselves.” - my journal, January 2018
My Story
Five years ago I was sitting in my car listening to the only podcast I could find about eating disorders. I knew something was wrong. I was loving myself more and more. I was turning 26 and feeling like my life was really coming together. Still, it lurked. I was living in a home with 4 other adults. None of them noticed that I had been purging every day for a year. Just like no one noticed I had been restricting and bingeing for most of my life prior. There was proof dripping all over everything I did, but no one was looking.
That podcast episode, the one that changed my future, involved a host interviewing someone who was in recovery. The guest described the history of her relationship with food and her body. The host empathetically gasped at every event she described. I gasped every time I heard the host gasp. I couldn’t believe someone would react that way to seemingly normal memories that mirrored my own. So much of the past that I had perceived as run of the mill, even morally right, was… shocking?! These mundane facts warranted, ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you,”s and “Wow, you are so brave”?! It truly blew my mind.
At the end of the episode the host suggested looking up local “intuitive eating” nutritionists for help. I did. There was exactly one listed online in Nashville at the time. I called her. I met with her. I quit my job. I changed everything about my life in pursuit of recovery. I would have given just about anything to have a friend, older sister, aunt, anyone who knew what to do next. I don’t know where I would be without that one podcast episode. In the end, I was in treatment for 5 years.
I’m going to share with you everything I learned. Consider me that older sister.
Treatment
I would love to tell you that you’ll experience immediate relief. I wish I could hug you and tell you that showing up will be the hardest part. If you are suffering from an eating disorder, you are already experiencing pain. This is one of those age old “it’s going to get worse before it gets better” kind of things. It’s not lost on me how much strength it takes to sign up to potentially feel worse, even temporarily. This road has hope. I am living in a reality I didn’t believe existed. Life without E.D. But first, I had to face everything that I was numbing.
Residential or Out-Patient Treatment
Something Nashville really does right is having a wonderful treatment center called “Renfrew”. According to their site “Renfrew accepts more than 400 insurance plans throughout the country and has dedicated staff who work with you to design an individualized financial plan, so that treatment is both affordable and accessible.” They offer resident treatment, overnight, weekend stays, out-patient treatment, group classes, etc. They have expert advice, a wealth of experience, and the skills to help you navigate first steps. If I was starting all over again, this would be my #1 call. If you don’t live in the Nashville area, you can call them to get recommendations in your area.
Therapy
Therapy changed my present. It changed my perspective of my past. It changed what my life could look like in the future. In short: I owe my recovery to the years I spent in therapy. Here are the things I wish I knew when I was looking for a therapist:
Not every therapist takes a helpful approach to eating disorders. You want to look for therapists who mention things like HAES (health at every size) approach, anti-diet, etc.
Ask if they typically collaborates with a dietitian and/or medical doctor during treatment. It’s important that they have safe resources you’ll need along the way.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions about what acronyms mean! There are a TON in the mental health field (LPC/MHSP, DBT, CBT, ACT, etc).
The moment you feel like your therapist isn’t the right fit for you, it’s best to cut your losses and keep trucking. The longer you wait, the more you’ll feel that you have invested into that practitioner and the less you’ll want to find a better fit.
Especially in the beginning, you will likely be absolutely emotionally wrecked after a session. Schedule alone time to recover afterwards. Prepare a nest in your bed. Be kind to yourself.
Resources
Barb, The Non-Diet Trainer - Find help healing your relationship with movement
Tulip Tree Counseling - Specialized Eating Disorder Therapy
Laura Deneen, E.D. Counselor - Specialized Eating Disorder Therapy
Nashville Nutrition Partners - Dietitians and Nutritionists to help heal your relationship with food
Food Psych Podcast - Podcast dedicated to E.D. healing
Maintenance Phase Podcast - Debunk Diet Culture
Intuitive Eating Workbook - Heal your relationship with food and your body
I am always available to meet up, text. chat on the phone. I’ll listen. I’ll share.